The High

I'm not doing it to be disciplined. I'm not doing it to be wealthy. Or to be a great role model to my kids. Or to be respected by my peers. Or leave a legacy. Or to get into the Kingdom of Heaven. I'm a drug addict just like all y'all, I'm doing it for the feeling, for the high.

I don't care about looking good. At least not enough to do anything about it. I've never once in my life had anything approaching a beach body (a beached whale body maybe). And you know what? I get through each summer without a problem. Clearly, I don't care enough about looking in shape.

I've lived paycheck to paycheck all my life. Just enough to money to get me through the month and I’m good. Often, I’ve fallen short of even that very limited goal, and found myself living on credit cards as the month comes to a close. Clearly, I don't care enough about obtaining wealth.

I hate working for the man, but it seems I don't hate it enough to escape the clutches of the man.

I've eaten junk food all my life. I began drinking alcohol at around seventeen or eighteen years old. I still drink alcohol today. The evidence therefore suggests I don't even care that much about my health.

I have almost zero status in my community. Status is another thing I apparently don’t care much about.

So, if I want all these things, the body, the wealth, the health, the freedom, the status, but I've failed not only to achieve them, but to consistently live in a way that might achieve them, what is it that I really want? What do I really care about?

I care about being warm and fed and comfortable – steps 1 and 2 on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs I believe.

I care about having enough money for a decent life.

I care about achieving enough in life to not be an embarrassment to myself and my family.

I care about those close to me.

And I care about that feeling, the high. These days I work pretty darned hard to achieve the high. Which to my mind makes me a junkie. In many ways junkies are incredible role models. Here are just a few observations that I believe to be true about them.

1) they are extremely motivated – get high or die trying.

2) the high that the addict is motivated to achieve is to some degree not real.

3) their goal is very simple and focussed.

4) they tend to be very successful in achieving their goal.

5) they are very good at overcoming obstacles to achieving their goal.

If we could apply the addicts’ perseverance, tenacity, problem solving and achievement to other areas of our lives how successful we would be.

I’ve found myself putting increasing amount of effort into getting high. Not the traditional highs of the drug addict of course, but natural highs that benefit me in my everyday life. The activities that give me a high are meditation, gratitude, manifestation, journalling, walks in nature, exercise, time with family and friends, healthy eating.

For some reason it helps me to know that I am doing these activities for the high. It simplifies things. Sometimes we don’t really know why we are meditating or journalling for instance. We are told they are beneficial, and we get some vague sense of benefit but often not enough to keep us consistent. But the feeling of connection and spirituality I get from meditation is a chemical high. The feeling of catharsis I get from journalling is a chemical high.

Unlike the drug addicts high, this high has no downsides, only upsides. The high permeates positively into every nook and cranny of my life. The following day after exercise or relaxing time with family I am not hungover, but more zestful for life. The positive high is replicable, it’s consistent, it gradually gets higher over time.

The drug addicts high often lessens over time and they are left chasing the phantom high that they experienced the first time they used the drug. In a very real sense the high is a fiction. The positive high is very real. It is the release of serotonin and endorphins; it is the becalming of cortisol and adrenaline. Recognise the high, give it it’s due respect. Big it up, lean into it.

 So, if these positive highs are so great why am I not more consistent in striving for them? Stress, the attraction of negative highs, a lack of belief in the positive high, often we feel it's high but not quite high enough. The positive highs tend to be a calm high rather than a swinging from the chandeliers high. And it takes time and consistency and effort to get the true benefits. The perceived benefit of a beer or a line of coke is immediate and requires next to no effort. And maybe was ask less of a beer. Get me through this moment now, rather than benefit my entire life, forever. Often, we believe that the benefit of say meditating or exercising lies some way down the line and that distance and uncertainty (the benefit is never truly promised) can cause us to deviate from the path. Doing it for the immediate high can keep us on track. It means I am promised the benefit now. It’s an amazing thing to know that I can be guaranteed to benefit my life in this very moment by say meditating or exercising. My dream body, the big house, the freedom all seem a million miles away but the high is now.

It’s how an efficient feedback loop should work. Beneficial actions should get a positive response immediately, not years in the future. It’s how we know the action is beneficial and it’s how we can connect the action to the outcome. We’ve been conditioned to believe in delayed gratification and the long-term, but what happens when you learn that the promise was a lie. Or you get twenty years down the road and you are told you didn’t want it enough. Or you wanted it too much. Or you realise the reward say of money or fame didn’t make you feel the way you wanted to feel. Like a junkie I’m in it for the high, and I want the high now.