Promotion

In my entire life I have only ever had one promotion. For some reason I have always had a fear of rising up. Part of me feels that I am immune to the opinions of others, but the truth is when I think about getting promoted I think that other people won’t think I am good enough. I think they will think it’s embarrassing for me to even consider myself good enough. They’ll be laughing at me. And it doesn’t matter the level of the job. If I had a job as a fuckwit, I would talk myself out of going for the job as a level-2 fuckwit.

These thoughts exist in a strange realm where they are more reality (to me) than thought. I almost don’t realise I have had the thought, I just comply with the reality I now believe the thought pertains to. The beauty of journalling, and I feel it as I write this now, is that by simply recognising these thoughts and expressing them it feels liberating.

When I was in my twenties I worked in a supermarket. I mostly worked in the fruit and veg section, putting the produce out on display. After about a year I interviewed for a supervisory role in that department. I had to be pushed into going for the role because I didn’t have the confidence to go for it myself. I needed others to tell me that I was worthy of the promotion. It feels pretty shameful to admit that my self-esteem was that low, but that’s the way it was. I got the promotion. The one and only promotion I have achieved in my entire life. When my colleagues asked how the interview went, I was embarrassed to admit that I had been successful. I was half a rung up the ladder from nothing and I had imposter syndrome.

Even now the thought of managing people brings me out in hives. There is no way on earth that anyone is going to listen to my instructions.

And so I remain an entry-level guy. I remain a do-er. I am the person that other people tell what to do. And I’m thankful for that because it means I don’t have to be the one telling others what to do.

There is a reason that my successes in life have been so moderate. Those reasons are laid out in the previous paragraphs. In some ways I’m quite bright, but fuck me that self-imposed ceiling is about 2 inches off the ground.

I believe I will never be a leader, that I will always be a do-er and that is no bad thing. But the way for me to become more empowered is to be a do-er of my own thing.